the man bubble
on Sunday, February 2 '14

Your relationship with your partner might not be going well. If this is case, here are a few ways to throw in the towel.

  1. If on the off chance you aren’t a noodle (non-noodles make up approximately 5% of the world’s population), just leave. For the rest of us noodles, this is very hard, so keep reading.

  2. Make a voodoo doll and catch them watching you stab it. You may get reported to the police. On the upside, your partner won’t suffer separation remorse.

  3. Take up a new hobby, ideally one that forces you to be gone for long periods of time, like building a house in the middle of the woods. If you’re lucky, your partner will forget you exist.

  4. If you’re smart, you will already have access to their Amazon Prime account. Never skip a day to buy something useless. This method may result in a lawsuit, but likely you’ll just end up with a bunch of free stuff.

  5. Throw a towel. To avoid this being interpreted as a joke, cackle loudly, throw back your head and lift your hands to the sky. Your newfound insanity will solve all of the remaining problems.

At all times during this process avoid:

  1. Substance abuse. This was going to be the 3rd recommended way to throw in the towel, until I realized that it promoted noodlehood.

  2. Listening to music by Cher.

  3. Being a noodle.

on Monday, January 20 '14

You might have grey hair. Maybe you have exactly one grey hair. Maybe your head looks like a dirty snowball.

Whatever transpires on top of your head or under your nose, answer this:

Do you identify with the sect of Normal People?

Members of this religion must be baptized with Whole Foods bags which they carry to the gym. There is only one public sacrament: “Thou must act thou age”. There is no requirement on how often this sacrament should be practiced, but most practice daily.

If you find yourself identifying with this group, I humbly recommend a forced conversion to a little known religion called Gandalfism.

If you’ve never heard of Gandalfism, don’t worry, it is mostly unknown outside of New Zealand. Gandalfism, put simply, is the belief that grey hair leads to eternal bliss, here and in the afterlife. Meditative practices include not acting one’s age. For instance, slaying a giant dragon made of fire.

There is also strict observance of the holy holiday: “Day to Mesmerize People With My Grey Hair”. It occurs every day. Whole Foods bags are sacrilegious in Gandalfism.

Members of Gandalfism can be seen in public riding their motorcycle or bicycle or tricycle while letting their hair billow behind them.

There are three important factions of Gandalfism:

  • Conservative Gandalfism, where it is believed that the religious scripture comes from the divine mouth of J.R.R. Tolkien. Conservative Gandalfism requires that “a white beard hung down below his waist” is followed by all members.

  • Liberal Gandalfism, where the scripture comes from the less divine mouth of Peter Jackson.

  • Who-Gives-An-F Gandalfism, where scripture is nonexistent and belief is reinforced by pictures on the Internet. There are no recorded hate crimes against this faction.

Whichever faction of Gandalfism suits you, remember that it’s not about Gandalf, it’s about you, your one grey hair, and your pipe … well, that’s up to you.

on Saturday, December 7 '13

How to find and talk to women in the San Francisco Bay Area:

  1. Go outside. To avoid looking like a predator, goto 2.

  2. Smile and see what happens. Does she cringe? Evaluating in the mirror whether your smile looks like that of a serial killer is a step that cannot be skipped. If you suffer from smiling serial killer face, consult a professional.

  3. Start by asking questions. “Are you an animal, mineral, or vegetable?” is not recommended. Risky: “Espresso or drip?” Don’t ask this question unless you have sufficient evidence that she’ll care about the relative evils of the long stem pour over technique.

  4. Avoid being brutally rational. Questions like “Did you know that those shoes will give you flat feet?” may come from a place of sincere caring but aren’t likely to be successful.

  5. Avoid annoying your [few] female coworkers. If these are the only women you regularly encounter, goto 1.